Monday, February 15, 2010
In a Spin
My heart is heavy and sad. So much so that I’ve made myself sick, a minor head cold trying to progress into my chest, which is always stress related. (No, go away, I won’t let you stay!) So much going on in my life right now when I should only be excited about my trip to South Africa. 14 days left.
My Dad is dieing. After a major stroke he is now in the hospital under Hospice care. Hard to say how long he has to live. I’m so glad I got to see him in Texas a few weeks ago, just he and me. I am thankful that two years ago I took care of all arrangements, body donated to science. There will be no organized physical memorial at my mother’s request. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a loved family member. What is this process called grief? I feel nothing, so maybe I'm in denial.
My Mom is sick, undiagnosed personality disorder. Has been for a very long time, in fact I’d say all her life. I’m no doctor but the evidence is clear. I’m still coming to terms with this. Plus I have concerns that I may also have inherited this personality disorder. I am trying to accept the way things are and have had many epiphanies over the last week or so. Knowing she’s sick has put many things in perspective.
Yet there is nothing I can DO. Instead I continue to work on Acceptance.
Acceptance: willingness to believe that something is true; the realization of a fact or truth and the process of coming to terms with it; the toleration of something without protest. OK, this is a protest I suppose. I did say I still working on it.
I just had to get this off my chest. Another way to help let go, accept, and try to live in the Now. Thanks for listening.