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My heart is heavy and sad. So much so that I’ve made myself sick, a minor head cold trying to progress into my chest, which is always stress related. (No, go away, I won’t let you stay!) So much going on in my life right now when I should only be excited about my trip to South Africa. 14 days left.
My Dad is dieing. After a major stroke he is now in the hospital under Hospice care. Hard to say how long he has to live. I’m so glad I got to see him in Texas a few weeks ago, just he and me. I am thankful that two years ago I took care of all arrangements, body donated to science. There will be no organized physical memorial at my mother’s request. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a loved family member. What is this process called grief? I feel nothing, so maybe I'm in denial.
My Mom is sick, undiagnosed personality disorder. Has been for a very long time, in fact I’d say all her life. I’m no doctor but the evidence is clear. I’m still coming to terms with this. Plus I have concerns that I may also have inherited this personality disorder. I am trying to accept the way things are and have had many epiphanies over the last week or so. Knowing she’s sick has put many things in perspective.
Yet there is nothing I can DO. Instead I continue to work on Acceptance.
Acceptance: willingness to believe that something is true; the realization of a fact or truth and the process of coming to terms with it; the toleration of something without protest. OK, this is a protest I suppose. I did say I still working on it.
I just had to get this off my chest. Another way to help let go, accept, and try to live in the Now. Thanks for listening.
24 comments:
I lost my dad about 5 years ago, and it was very hard, even though we hadn't been close for a long time. I suppose it's accepting our mortality as well as theirs that is so difficult.
Hope you find the acceptance you seek.
Gaelyn, Its hard enough to deal with one parents health problems, much less both parents. Its good for you to talk about it. It will be hard but I feel in in my heart that you will be okay.
I will say a prayer for all of you.
You were very eloquent in your summary of what is happening. Often times writing it out helps to work it out. Thinking of you and hoping positive thoughts will lift you up.
Gaelyn I am so sorry, I knew when you posted about your dad last week how tough that illness is to cope with. As for worrying about inheriting your mom's problems, don't waste time on something that is unlikely.
I always find it helps a little to look back on the happier times with loved ones you are losing. Get the old pics out, have a good cry and you will feel better. Sending you a big hug.
Oh, Gaelyn! So much going on for you right now. I'm sorry about your Dad, but also glad that you just visited. Perhaps grief is what is causing your cold - maybe tears would help release it a bit? I've found that's been working for me.
You have so much to contend with right now. All I can say is my thoughts are with you Gaelyn.
Oh Gaelyn..
I am so sorry all this seems to be crashing down around you at once.
I wish u the best.
Take care..
Oh my dear, dear friend. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could say something which will ease your pain but there are no words for it. I am just happy that you had that visit with them. Remember one thing which might give you comfort, sometimes, when people are in ill health and are suffering, it is better for them to go on even though we do not want to loose them.
I wish I could be there for you but you are in my thoughts and I am with you in spirit.
You said it perfectly. There is nothing you can do but to accept the situation and send positive thoughts and visualizations of how you would like to direct energy into their lives. By not doing, you let it be and love it for what the situation provides.
If you do feel light headed, it could be a sign that you are purging attachments that you are forgiving and letting go of. The light headedness is actually a process of displacing the heavy and raising your vibration to a higher orbit or state of being. Any pain is the dislodging of a specific frequency that we are reluctant to let go of. People then feel better when they either re-establish their grip, or better yet, when they let go all together. It feels wierd because it is like vertigo to be in a higher place. Therefore, if you embrace the feelings you are having that one usually associates as negative, they will be processed more quickly allowing for you to equilibriate to your new surroundings in a new world. Nothing will be the same, which is perfect. A new Gaelyn is being born and you will absorb the world deeper than you ever have before.
Hugs! Hugs always helped me. That and knowing that there were people who cared. Acceptance, yes, and allow good things to come to you.
Gaelyn: I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. This is a very hard process to loose your Father. I was glad for the time I had with my parents before they died. Life is a cycle which we see in nature and the only thing we can do is accept that it will happen. Be strong as you go through this and the grief will come for certain.
I'm so sorry that at the time of this great adventure you must deal with loss and worry.
Your on the right track, though. Accepting this reality is all you can do but it is easier said than done. You've taken the first step.
I can only agree with what Martha A has said! All you can do is accept reality and I know that it is easier said than done, but you are a strong woman and you can do it -- it is reality. I hold such good thoughts for you and I'm so glad that you have found a new source of love in your life!!
Sylvia
My dear Gaelyn, I reach out in cyberspace and give you a big (((hug))) It's hurts so to lose a parent and I'm with you in thought and prayer
Sorry Gaelyn ;) sent comment too soon. I'm so pleased you saw your dad a while ago. Be strong and know that your friends are behind you here on Blogger. It helps to speak/write out your feelings. May the peace of God which trancends all understanding fill your mind and heart at this time. Bless you my friend. (((Hugs))) Jo
Losing your father hurts no matter what your relationship was like with him. It is still difficult to lose them. I have no words of comfort--just know that death is part of life, we are all on the road to death from the first breath we take. What we do between our first and our last, is what we will be remembered for. I am sure you have some good memories of him to take into your heart.
So sorry to hear about your dad, especially when you are looking forward to your big trip. We cannot choose our parents, but we can learn from them. You are strong and observant. Recognizing and talking about mental health issues is so much better than hiding them under the carpet. Wishing you all the best in the circumstances.
I'm so sorry Gaelyn. I wish I had the words to comfort you.
Oh. (hug)
Oh, gosh, Gaelyn, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, except that you have realized all you can do is accept it. Your dad has had a long, full life, and as I found out almost a year and a half ago wiht my husband's early passing, not everybody gets that chance.
Thinking of you.
Bless you, dear Gaelyn. Hubby and I just went through similar with his parents and all you can do is all you can do. Above it all the best thing is to be kind and good to yourself. We all have you in our thoughts and/or prayers.
I am sorry and there it is double difficult I think when there are conflicted feelings about our parents or at least that is how I feel about it. I don't know that personality disorders are inherited, I will ask my psychologist daughter about it. When my parents go I think I will feel loss that they could never reach beyond themselves with their children. Loss for not ever having loving parents and loss that my daughter didn't have grandparents that took much of an interest. But it is all grief and I think you need to let yourself feel it and not make any judgments on yourself for it. ..hugs.. Michelle
Grieving is a strange animal. I'm sure we all handle it differently, but with me I sometimes didn't feel anything, then all of it would hit me at once. It's been more than 3 years since my mom died, and it was a relief, but out of nowhere I might burst into tear. Usually in the car because I have time to think there... or the shower. But it will hit you.
About your mom, that's even harder. It's hard to watch. But I have to say that having a little experience with his in part of my family, you are ahead by being aware of it and being aware that it might affect you. This gives you the advantage for working with it.
It's OK to get things off your chest. We all have to sometimes.
Gaelyn, so sorry to hear about your dad. Possibly Africa will give you a sense of newness that will help with this. Grief can be hard to deal with, and it's not surprising to not feel anything at first (shock).
Your mom sounds like a harder situation in some ways, because it is ongoing. :(
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